Like Sands Through the Hourglass.....

I've just turned 34.  I'm not secretive about my age, although it's not like I want it displayed on the big screen at Cowboy's stadium or anything.  Thirty-four is young, right?  Theoretically, I've got like 50 or 60 more good years left.  That's what I keep telling myself.

Yesterday I blogged about wanting to be become a lawyer, but never following through.  Seems my fate is to be "Just a Mom".  Not that there's anything wrong with that.  If mother's ruled the world, the world would be a better place, as we are the ultimate multi-taskers. When my children are mad or scared about something going on at school, I always tell them to be quiet and still, and God will help them to learn what their purpose in life is; what they were put on this earth to do.  So, I try to take my own medicine, but NOTHING happens when I am quiet and still and listen.  And, like I said before, there's nothing wrong with it, but surely God's purpose for me isn't only to be "Just a Mom".  (It doesn't even look any more appealing in quotes and capitals.)  The sand in the hourglass just keeps falling, and the time I've got left to really make a move is less and less.

I pray, and I think, and I dream, but still I get no firm message telling me what I'm supposed to be doing.  I want a mission, damn it!  I want to feel a part of something bigger than myself.  Something I can look back on in those waning years and say, "I did that."  An accomplishment for my children to look upon and dare themselves to dream as big.  Maybe I'm not a dreamer, really.  Pragmatism has always been my thing, and I've more often than not been too crippled with fear to make anything but lateral moves in my own life. Maybe my destiny is simply to foster their dreams.  Still.....

Who am I to challenge those kids to listen for God's message?  What a huge hippocrite I am!  If fulfilled dreams were pizza toppings, I'd only have cheese to show for all the years I've spent on this earth.  Sure, I'm rearing my children to be good Christians, good workers, good students, good samaritans, blah, blah, blah. But what am I doing for myself?!  For my kids' sake, shouldn't I be challenging myself to do something a little more intense than watching Jersey Shore on Friday nights?  Seriously, if I could go back in time, I'd force myself to overcome the fear of rejection and failure, and enter law school.  It would seem my Delorean is in the shop for now, so there'll be no "Back to the Future" moment for me. 

Soooo, do I give up, suck it up, and be happy I'm so lucky (see previous post)?  Do I keep listening for God to outright tell me what move to make?  Or, do I gird my loins, fill out the applications, take the tests, and force myself to do something fantastic for myself.  Such a scary proposition. Maybe that's what God has been trying to tell me all along with His silence. Afterall, God helps those who help themselves, right? Time will tell.